Keeping a Woman Psychologically Safe

…is so much easier than keeping her PHYSICALLY safe 10,000 years ago.

Photo by Crawford Jolly

If you think otherwise, you just haven’t been hit with a spear in a while.

But seriously, being the man in a relationship today is far easier than life was centuries ago — even with all the crazy new expectations put on men.

In fact, everything is less demanding for humans today. But let’s focus on this one element for a moment:

Being a man today is easy and hard… ‘cuz, women.

In theory, all you have to do is sit across the table from her and eat your Chipotle burrito bowl with a plastic fork. No spears whizzing past your head.

There are very few caveman-style rapists to fend off — and only occasionally do you need to tell some other guy to go kick rocks.

However…

In reality, winning the girl, keeping her on your team, and existing as a man today is deceptively hard. It takes balls to sit across the table from her and digest burrito bowl. And talk.

It feels like she’s eclipsing you in every meaningful way you can add value to her life.

She might be out-earning you. She’s equally capable of coding in Python.

She can wave down a taxi just as well — and she initiates sex just fine too.

She out-communicates you — and insists you grow a new set of “soft skills.”

And even worse is she says shit like “soft skills” — like she works in HR.

She has upper-management material written all over her and struggles to access her femininity (the part that turns you on so much).

Sometimes, it can seem like the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

But it is.

It’s so worth it to engage with her. To connect. To dance.

And it’s much easier than dodging spears. Or being hit by them.

So why have guys blown it so consistently for the last 20 years?

Women are jaded

Men used to be high-earning brats. We used to be the family’s only income source — and a woman’s only access to life-sustaining things like food and housing.

But — despite wearing the big-boy pants — we were still brats. There wasn’t much need to grow up. And in some ways, we still haven’t. Women are sick of our shit. (Don’t ask me how I know.)

Men played roles, and the ability to bully others using a few simple tactics went a long way in the world. Emotions were stuffed away. Protection was more important than communication. And grown men were boy tyrants prone to rageful tantrums.

If you don’t believe me, look at men over the age of 60 dealing with petty injustices like: a cashier forgetting to apply a discount, people who “can’t drive,” or millennials eating avocado toast.

Yeah.

Petty, rageful behaviors — like cursing at a woman when she rejects you — aren’t acceptable anymore. They don’t create psychological safety. They don’t bring value to anyone.

And because society has changed — that is, men don’t provide exclusive financial support — women no longer tolerate a man who’s a psychological headf*cker.

She has her own money, and it’s very easy to see an immature man for the problem he is.

A romantic partner is a net negative if they create more trouble than joy

And because women can solve some of the most important problems by themselves — namely, food/money — the bar is way higher for us to provide emotionally.

It’s damned hard to be a net positive in a woman’s life without those “soft skills” she’s always talking about.

Yet Women Still Want Men — Why?

There is something men can offer to modern women. It’s a different type of safety. A different type of fierceness than the caveman protection version.

And it feels fantastic as a man.

The new fierceness is presence. Not gifts. No — it’s not a type of physical sustenance.

Presence is the new edge

What women are asking for when they demand honesty, openness, etc. is a state of radical acceptance of everything. They want our rock-like ability to contain whatever comes up.

In the heat of a big argument, it’s the ability to hold your seat, feel your emotions, and not let her tip you over. To hold her in the heat of that moment.

At work, it’s dealing with challenges directly and not letting obstacles block your life’s purpose or mission. It’s the almost-lost ability to handle shit and be bigger than problems — especially emotional ones.

Stay vigilant

And it’s damned hard. Our fathers didn’t teach us the ability to handle emotions — if we were lucky enough to have a father at all. These requests for emotional capacity and psychological safekeeping of our partners… they’re new tricks.

But as I’ve practiced being emotionally present for women — as I’ve increased my ability to be a steward of the relationship and keep us on track — my experiences have felt more and more alive.

Maintaining psycho-spiritual safety is as challenging as staying vigilant for nighttime predators on the plains of the Savannah. It takes a masculine edge to keep a woman “safe” in the ways she requests.

I need to tap intelligence and bravery to lead a conversation, lead a relationship, and lead myself.

Fortunately, all that’s at stake is my ego, and there are no spears to interrupt our meal together.