her dumbfounded “NO” changed my career trajectory

Photo of the author upon authorship. By Macbook.

I asked a client to describe her ideal partner.

She’d listed a lot of things she DIDN’T want from her former partners — ranging from aggression to an inability to state their own needs.

And her response to my question — or maybe her lack of a response — broke my heart.

“I want a man who respects my ‘NO’,” she said.

And that was all. 

Radio silence after that. 

Respect for her “no” was all that was present for her. She was otherwise stumped by the question.

She didn’t follow up with “someone who has similar interests” or “honesty” or anything like that.

Sure, she was in a vulnerable state of emotionality — with tears at the corners of her eyes — but beyond “respect for her no,” this woman had no benchmark for partnership.

And I don’t blame her. 

She’s had no true partnership at all. And plenty of abuse.

An Unbelievably Low Bar

Let’s take a minute to appreciate how fucked and sad that response is.

Her highest standard for a man — her only standard — is the bare minimum for relationships in a just society. (Do we live in a just society? I forget.)

And, depending on what her “no” is in response to — such as a sexual overture — her standard for a good partner is the minimum for legal behavior.

This is sad. 

And it’s way, way, way too commonplace. The collective trauma of women is mind-blowing.

How This Session Changed My Career

This session was a practice session (on Zoom) within my Somatica® Training Program. In a few more months, I’ll be a certified sexologist and relationship coach. You can read more about the Somatica® philosophy here.

I thought I’d always work with men. I thought I’d help men have better relationships with women. To communicate better. To hold powerful space for their partners. To connect with their own sexual power that’s been stuffed, caricatured, or transformed into addiction.

After hundreds of hours facilitating men’s circles, working with men one-on-one was a no-brainer. And I’ll continue to work with men.

But the sessions I’ve had in Somatica® have shown me how liberated and powerful women become when they receive support from a man to resolve relational trauma. It’s incredible — and it’s been an honor to hold that role.

The Effectiveness of Cross-Gender Coaching/Therapy

In the past, if I knew I needed to work on mom shit, I’d find a female therapist. 

If dad shit was coming up for me, it was time for a guy.

When we take our traumas and resentments to a person who resembles our perpetrator or the object of our distress, we can create a counterpoint experience that unravels our hurt and releases our reflexive patterns.

Sadly, there are so few men in the world who can do this. 

We’re short on male romantic partners who can hold space for a woman’s grief, wounding, and disappointment; empathize with her as she directs her rage towards the masculine gender (or said romantic partner); honor her boundaries (that she has never stated and doesn’t know she has a right to have); ‘see her’ in her pain (without fixing it); or support her in reclaiming her Self that was stolen away by men.

My life experience has put me in a place of deep empathy for people who have lost themselves — either to trauma at an early age or to the relationships of later adulthood. 

I’m honored to offer this work to women (on Zoom) at a greatly reduced price before I’m fully certified as a Somatica coach. 

The work is about self-reclamation from the masculine. It involves the exploration of boundaries, self-resourcing, role play, and going very, very slowly in the direction of healthy connection.

Unlike therapy, there’s self-disclosure on my end. There isn’t the one-way mirror that therapists use (or hide behind). I always found this non-disclosure weird. This is about healthy relationship, and relationship is a two-way street.

What I’m offering women isn’t therapy, and I wouldn’t even say it’s coaching. It’s a healthy experience of connection with a man in a discussion about boundaries and desires.

If you or a woman you know has a history of difficult relationships or trauma, reach out. You can learn more here on my website. If you’re reading this before I’m fully certified as Somatica® practitioner, you’ll get a discounted rate for future hourly sessions.

All the best to you, reader. I wish you the best.

May respect for your “NO” become a safe assumption in all your relationships — and may those relationships flourish into connection, empathy, ecstasy, and personal growth.

Best,

Jack Bohannan

Relationship Coach | Podcaster | Guy who travels too much