On Masculine Leadership
There’s a questionable trend popping up online.
A growing number of influencers, both male and female, insist that men should lead their relationships and women should defer to their man’s initiative.
Sounds great — huh, guys?
You’ll control everything, and she’ll drop into her “feminine essence.” She’ll become a sensual, flowing creature.
That’s nice, in theory, but this crude understanding of “masculine leadership” leads to some bad situations, limiting expectations and a raw deal for the men who buy into it.
This article explains four reasons this type of “masculine leadership” is a booby trap for men.
(At the end, you’ll find a better, deeper definition of masculine leadership that leads to more attraction, self-worth, and connection.)
You Lose Power
Imagine arranging your ego around someone else’s reactions to you. In this imaginary scenario, you step into the role of leader as a way to be of value — and to be valued by her. Leading is what you “should” do, after all, as the man in the relationship.
This means you make the financial decisions, plan the vacations/taxes, or maybe orchestrate a move to a new city; everything that’s not home economics is your turf, though you’ll probably have feedback on the meal plan too.
If you listen to some of these lower-brow influencers, you’d believe leading her is the way to create gender polarity, attraction, and a secure connection.
Simply… protect, provide, and lead. Be a strong man.
But then she says a single word.
A word that throws your selfhood into chaos.
She says, “No.”
It seems your position in the relationship is very easy to overturn. By the simple act of not-following, she can transform you into the not-leader, and — if you’re putting a lot of your ego-eggs in that basket — it’s gonna sting.
By your definition, her simple “no” makes you less of a man. Her opinion becomes your emasculation.
If your leadership is based on managing her actions, reactions, or emotions, you’re in a shaky place.
It’s a Boatload of Work
Managing (subjugating?) another person is an interesting way to spend your time and life energy.
Moreover, compulsively needing to lead will create a lot of pressure and a long list of responsibilities that you could actually share with your partner.
As it is, men take on way too much in their committed relationships. They’re often under massive pressure to earn; plan for retirement and major expenses; set the tone of familial life; manage house projects, insurance, and taxes; keep up with the Jones; stay hard-bodied; and generally fend off the world while keeping their loved ones out of poverty.
Yes — someone has to take on those responsibilities, and a lot of the time, that someone will be you! But structuring your relational identity around those roles leaves your connection with your partner contingent on your performance.
The funny thing is, a lot of guys slip into those roles without really wanting them.
To add “managing a woman” to that list makes it all a house of cards.
You’re not solely responsible for your connection to your partner. Taking on a sole leadership role for your collective emotions and relationship health is — if you stop to think about it — crazy.
You need to be healthy and relatable as a foundation for connection. But the idea that you can shoulder the whole thing and make her an idol of feminine passivity misunderstands the definition of relationship,
You’re Not Actually Leading
A great explanation of the leader-follower dynamic comes from the kink community.
Kinky folks are very explicit about relationship dynamics when it comes to dominance and submission. And those dom/sub dynamics play out in most relationships wherein there’s a leader and a follower.
In a dom/sub roleplay, the submissive holds the power. The sub releases responsibility to the dom in exchange for care and the dom’s management of the experience. The dom gets off on having power and control; the sub gets off on the attention and release. But, in reality, the sub can take the power back at any time by using a “safe word” or asserting their legal rights.
Outside of actual criminality, dom/sub play is thinly veiled costuming. The mental health of those involved is the true determinant of the power structure because a great deal of manipulation can occur without physical coercion. Conscious roleplay works with this darkness as a mode of personal growth; sadly, not all roleplay is so conscious.
Likewise, if you’re “The Leader” in your relationship, it’s because she’s letting you lead in ways that please her. You’re ultimately a servant. The pussy is on a pedestal, so to speak.
And, like with dom/sub roleplay, the mental health of those involved determines the power flow. She has a lot of ways to fuck with your head or wield power if you’re rigid about leadership.
You’re on the Verge of Codependence
I’ve been spending a lot of time in Latin America.
I’m a relationship coach traveling the world to interview 101 people about masculinity, femininity, and gender. It’s for my podcast — and my amusement.
