On Masculine “Leadership”

An article for men

There’s a questionable trend popping up online.

A growing number of influencers, both male and female, insist that men should lead their relationships and women should defer to their man’s initiative.

Sounds great — huh, guys? 

You’ll control everything, and she’ll drop into her “feminine essence.” She’ll become a sensual, flowing creature.

That’s nice, in theory, but this crude understanding of “masculine leadership” leads to some bad situations, limiting expectations and a raw deal for the men who buy into it. 

This article explains four reasons this type of “masculine leadership” is a booby trap for men.

(At the end, you’ll find a better, deeper definition of masculine leadership that leads to more attraction, self-worth, and connection.)

#1 You Lose Power

Imagine arranging your ego around someone else’s reactions to you. In this imaginary scenario, you step into the role of leader as a way to be of value — and to be valued by her. Leading is what you “should” do, after all, as the man in the relationship.

This means you make the financial decisions, plan the vacations/taxes, or maybe orchestrate a move to a new city; everything that’s not home economics is your turf, though you’ll probably have feedback on the meal plan too.

If you listen to some of these lower-brow influencers, you’d believe leading her is the way to create gender polarity, attraction, and a secure connection. 

Simply… protect, provide, and lead. Be a strong man.

But then she says a single word. 

A word that throws your selfhood into chaos.

She says, “No.”

It seems your position in the relationship is very easy to overturn. By the simple act of not-following, she can transform you into the not-leader, and — if you’re putting a lot of your ego-eggs in that basket — it’s gonna sting.

By your definition, her simple “no” makes you less of a man. Her opinion becomes your emasculation.

If your leadership is based on managing her actions, reactions, or emotions, you’re in a shaky place.

#2 It’s a Boatload of Work

Managing (subjugating?) another person is an interesting way to spend your time and life energy. 

Moreover, compulsively needing to lead will create a lot of pressure and a long list of responsibilities that you could actually share with your partner.

As it is, men take on way too much in their committed relationships. They’re often under massive pressure to earn; plan for retirement and major expenses; set the tone of familial life; manage house projects, insurance, and taxes; keep up with the Jones; stay hard-bodied; and generally fend off the world while keeping their loved ones out of poverty.

Yes — someone has to take on those responsibilities, and a lot of the time, that someone will be you! But structuring your relational identity around those roles leaves your connection with your partner contingent on your performance. 

The funny thing is, a lot of guys slip into those roles without really wanting them.

To add “managing a woman” to that list makes it all a house of cards. 

You’re not solely responsible for your connection to your partner. Taking on a sole leadership role for your collective emotions and relationship health is — if you stop to think about it — crazy.

You need to be healthy and relatable as a foundation for connection. But the idea that you can shoulder the whole thing and make her an idol of feminine passivity misunderstands the definition of relationship,

#3 You’re Not Actually Leading

A great explanation of the leader-follower dynamic comes from the kink community. 

Kinky folks are very explicit about relationship dynamics when it comes to dominance and submission. And those dom/sub dynamics play out in most relationships wherein there’s a leader and a follower.

In a dom/sub roleplay, the submissive holds the power. The sub releases responsibility to the dom in exchange for care and the dom’s management of the experience. The dom gets off on having power and control; the sub gets off on the attention and release. But, in reality, the sub can take the power back at any time by using a “safe word” or asserting their legal rights.

Outside of actual criminality, dom/sub play is thinly veiled costuming. The mental health of those involved is the true determinant of the power structure because a great deal of manipulation can occur without physical coercion. Conscious roleplay works with this darkness as a mode of personal growth; sadly, not all roleplay is so conscious.

Likewise, if you’re “The Leader” in your relationship, it’s because she’s letting you lead in ways that please her. You’re ultimately a servant. The pussy is on a pedestal, so to speak. 

And, like with dom/sub roleplay, the mental health of those involved determines the power flow. She has a lot of ways to fuck with your head or wield power if you’re rigid about leadership.

#4 You’re on the Verge of Codependence

I’ve been spending a lot of time in Latin America.

I’m a relationship coach traveling the world to interview 101 people about masculinity, femininity, and gender. It’s for my podcast — and my amusement.

And, in Latin America, gender roles and power-over dynamics very much still apply. The men lead, and they attempt to control the women. The women follow, and they try to make the men crazy. 

Machismo is the driver. It’s a nasty strain of aggressive masculine pride that puts our toxicity and patriarchy to shame. By comparison, Americans live in a utopia of gender equality. In countries such as Ecuador and Mexico, men are prone to domestic violence, most of them take little responsibility for their emotions, and they drink.

Yet the men lead the society. Or do they?

The women have a lot of power in Latin America and not a hint of victimhood. Because the men are in a role of narcissistic dominance, their command of emotionality is frail. With so much ego wrapped up in performance, strength, and grandstanding, they have effectively outsourced emotional intelligence to women. 

And while this outsourcing of emotion is impossible (hence, alcoholism), the women wield a great deal of power over the men via social manipulation. 

Our dismissive phrases to the effect of “women are crazy” are really just misunderstandings of how masterfully women wield non-rational power.

Emotionally, women are playing chess; most men are playing checkers.

Latin women easily wrestle emotional power away from the men who are determined to control them.

And so it is for you, too.

If you cling tight to a power-over leadership position in your relationship, she will take control of your emotional world. 

But, there’s always beer.

Better Approach

Healthy masculine “leadership” is critical in a relationship. However, it doesn’t mean that you’re controlling your partner.

In my conversational study of masculinity and feminity, I am indeed finding a way that men lead. But it’s not by leading women or exerting control.

When you lead yourself, women want to hang out with you — pretty much regardless of where you lead yourself.

Self-leadership means knowing and living your values, having healthy boundaries, being aware, seeking to be of purposeful service, and maintaining contact with the parts of you that are wild and innocent.

(On a side note, this attraction dynamic usually doesn’t work the other way around: men aren’t often attracted to women based on “self-leadership.” Men are more likely to experience attraction when women are deeply connected to themselves.)

Here’s the Catch-22. You — as a man — can’t do any of this to win the approval of women. That’s not self-leadership. That’s not being of service. Those aren’t healthy boundaries or strong values. Female approval is not the reason you exist or create yourself in the form in which you choose to create yourself. 

Resist the temptation to make yourself contingent on women.

Do not invest your ego, power, or effort into controlling a woman within a relationship.

You keep doing you — and improving how you do you. 

She will follow.